[feelings are intense. words are trivial.]

Another Sunday, another paper to procrastinate.

I have been an avid reader of The Vine since 2001. The most valuable lesson I've learned, and among the most challenging to implement, from that reading is to be as Nike advertises--one who just does it. Actions do speak louder than words; talk much and inertia makes acting more difficult.

Once I sat down and wrote the historiography draft, it became a much easier task than I'd anticipated. Dread something and the dread takes on proportions lacking resemblance to reality. Dread not, and act; momentum carries you forward into productivity.

The good news is that I learned this lesson early, and when I could afford the fuck-up. The paper was a draft, and there's a workshop to discuss it Tuesday. What I wrote is good. Perhaps it's not historiographic. It is certainly too short, and insufficiently sourced. I didn't have enough confidence in my abilities to do more (exacerbated by my natural writing style, which is incompatible with drafting; that is another habit I need to tweak), and the fear overwhelmed everything. I wrote something, submitted it, and was honest about why my draft was lacking. Honesty is the best policy, I hope.

Because I learned this when I did, and because I did manage to write ten pages, I know I can do this next paper. I'm mostly finished gathering sources, primary and otherwise. I hope to convince my classmates to pool sources--one person (Doc) already loaned me a book I really needed, and I passed one along to another classmate, Scalia. Today I'm alternating fun (chilling on the internet, watching due South DVDs, even reading for another class) with the big paper. It's keeping the doubt at bay, while still moving toward a completed paper for Thursday.

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One aspect of my program that I appreciate is the space I feel it gives me to grow. It's not competitive, and most of the professors are nurturing. I'm not yet the best possible me, and this program allows me to mold what I have until it is, rather than scolding me for not already being more than I am. At the same time I can't bullshit my way through it--someone will call me on it. I don't know if everyone's experience here is similar to mine. It could be simply that I'm maturing and learning how to use the good in every situation. Either way, I'll graduate a better person than I entered. More in debt, yes. I will also have new skills and knowledge that will benefit me, no matter what I choose to do next. Whatever that is, I'll enter it with more confidence and as a stronger, more empathetic person because of this time out of the 'real world.'

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I only have classes on Tuesday and Thursday this term, so there are only three days of class left for me. End of term always sneaks up, doesn't it? Tricksy little beast, it is. Paper and book review this week, then final draft due the next Friday, and my one final the Friday after. Make it through Thursday, and I'm set. It'll be the final meeting of the best of all possible classes, so it's a bittersweet occasion. Any suggestions on what sort of gift to give the prof? We can't fetch him a t-t job, so we want to do something to thank him for being absolutely amazing.

But first, Titanic. Maybe one day I'll develop a taste for good movies. Until then I'll continue to indulge my love for cinematic cheese. Mmm...cheese.

identification: sammy

I grade enough of these damn things that perhaps it would be useful for me to write one every now and then. Here goes:

Sammy (that would be me) is currently a first-semester MA student in European history at a public university better known for partying than academics. She is a grading assistant for post-1500 world civ; the professor she assists, Doug, has proven to be one of the best, most inspiring teachers Sammy has ever encountered--and she's had some fucking incredible ones.

She is contemplating pursuing a PhD (her MA program is a terminal one, and her uni does not offer PhDs in history), but has read many, many blog posts about the academic job market in the humanities and is therefore quite uncertain about whether she should bother. She has a dissertation topic chosen, just in case.

Sammy started this blog to improve the ease with which she could comment on the many blogs she reads. At the moment, she is uncertain if she has anything substantive to add to the discussion (by that, she does indeed mean any discussion, anywhere, ever) and doubts she will post much; such posts as there are quite possibly will merely be seeking advice from others who are or have been in the academy.

As she writes this, Sammy is procrastinating. There is nothing unusual there. She should be doing historiographic research for a paper due in 42 hours, but feels intimidated because she has never written a paper longer than eight pages, nor done a research paper in the past decade. The paper on deck depends heavily on primary sources--which Sammy has never before used. In case it's not obvious, she's questioning the value of that BA (with a double major, no less) from one of the top five public universities (top 30 overall) in the US. That would, however, be a topic for another day.

As you were.